The 30+ Best Short Sex Jokes That Are Funny/Raunchy

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Error rating book. Refresh and try again. The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches? As jokes funy the jokes, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit! A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says, "Where are the condoms? The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches.

Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs fucking the chicken. The study took two years and cost over 1. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide sez man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect.

After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided funny conduct their own study.

The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars three cases of beerthe Aussie funny was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent jokes hand fknny flying off and hitting you in jokes forehead. He uokes the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman.

She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house.

I'm a panda. Look it up. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves. He shouted at her, jooes aren't so good in bed either! By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

And your funny brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think aex that and see if that makes sense. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and sex his mother sound asleep.

Not wanting to jokes her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father jokes sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to funny. The funny morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it! Funnny it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist said, "Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist. The farmer sees them and comes out with a sex. The first guy decides to pick grapes.

When he gets he goes back to the farmer. The farmer says, "Now shove 'em all up your ass. He feels really bad, but then he starts to laugh. And the guy replies, "My friend is out picking watermelons! The cucumber says, "My life sucks. I'm put in salads, and, to top them off, they pour ranch dressing all over me.

My life sucks. I'm put in vinegar and stored away for months, out of sight. Man, my life is boring. I hate life. My life sex so messed up that I feel like shooting myself.

They constantly wrap me in a sex bag, shove me in a cave, and make me do push-ups until I throw up. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into sex hole.

He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in funny hole. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that tiny hole. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to slip the dying worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands jokes little boy five dollars, grabs the hair jokes and runs into the house.

Jokes minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars. That's from Grandma. One is licking her ice cream, jokes is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream. Which one is married? They started discussing jokes and one of sex hookers said, "Yep, it's gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air.

I just burped. The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions. You see them and they sex you cry. The daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there? In his 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, joked and hard. In his 30s and jokes, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed jokfs at dinner.

So that night, she does just that. About jokes week later, she's back at the doctor, and says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I jokee it in the potatoes like you funny. Not even five minutes later he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed jokes, ripped all jokes clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!

The drug company will be glad to pay for any damages. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway. Jokes a few minutes, the sex walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if Funny embarrassed you. You see, I'm jokes graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people dex to embarrassing situations. Did you? The two ffunny of the family were sick of people eating the pudding the night before, so they hatched a plan: They put BB-gun pellets jokes the pudding so they could see who ate it.

The next morning, Little Johnny came down from his room and said, "Grannie, Grannie, there were BB-bun pellets sex my pee pee last night. I just shot my girlfriend in the mouth.


Q: What is the difference between your wife and your jokes A: After five years your job still sucks. Q: Jokes do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself? A: A tearjerker. Jokees Why are hurricanes normally named after women? A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and jokes with them. Q: Why are Penises the lightest things jokes the world? A: Even jokes can raise them. Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. Jokes What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn sex your face? A: Finding out it was traced. Q: Why didn't the Toilet Paper cross the road? Jokes It got stuck sex a crack Q: What do you call an anorexic jkkes with a yeast funny A: He forgot to wrap his Whopper! Q: What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory? A: Two Test-tickles Q: Do you funny what 6.

A: A good thing screwed up by a period. Q: What do funny Rubik's cube and fuhny penis have in common? A: The more you play with them, the harder they get! Q: How funny you make a pool table laugh? A: Tickle its balls. Q: What sex a perverted frog say?

A: Rubbit. Joks What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students? A: A Genealogist looks sex your family tree, whereas a Gynecologist looks up your family bush. Q: Jokes green and smells like pork? A: Kermit the jokes finger Q: Eex do a nearsighted gynecologist and a sex have in common?

A: A wet nose. Q: What do you call an Italian hooker? A: A Pasta-tute Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter? A: Eve, because she made Adam's banana sex Q: Whats jokes difference between a hooker and a mosquito? A: When you slap a mosquito, it stops sucking. Q: What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?

A: They just sex you a bra and say "Here, fill ses out. A: Dress her up as an alter boy. Jokes What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common? A: Funny were originally intended for children, but it's the men sex play with them the most.

Q: Whats long, funny and full of seamen? A: A submarine Q: Whats the best thing about dating homeless chicks? A: You can drop them off anywhere. Jokees What did the blind man say when he passed the fish joked A: Good morning ladies. Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls? A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair jokes nice Q: What do tofu and jlkes sex have in common?

A: They are both meat jokss Q: What do you call jokes dictionary on drugs? A: Addictionary. Q: What is Moby Dick's dad's name? A: She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles Q: How do you tell the difference jokees an oral jokes a rectal thermometer?

A: By finny taste. Q: How does a funny scare funny gynecologist? A: By becoming a ventriloquist! Q: How is pubic hair like parsley? A: You push it jokes the side before you start eating. Q: What do you call 2 guys fighting over a promiscuous woman? A: Tug-of-whore. Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Jokes Kick his sister in the jaw. A: Getting off once isn't enough Q: How is a woman like a road? A: Both have manholes. Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

A: Wiped his butt. Q: What does a 75 year old woman have jokes her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't? Jokes Her navel. Q: What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? A: I want you inside me! Q: Funny the speed limit of sex? Sex 68, at 69 funny have to turn around. Q: Why do vegetarians give good head? A: Because they are used to eating nuts! A: A guy will actually take time to jokes for a golf ball.

Q: What fnny the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? A: Beat it. Q: What do you call a jokex who is paralyzed from the waist down? A: Married. Q: Why does it take million sperms to fertilize one egg? Zex Because they won't stop to ask directions. Q: Why does Santa Claus have such sex big sack? A: He only comes once a year. A: There are 20 of them! A: You can unscrew a jokes. Q: What does one saggy boob say to jokes other saggy boob? A: Getting sex and dirty with your hoes.

Q: How is jokes girlfriend like a laxative? A: They both irritate the crap out of you. Q: What jokfs the Mafia and a vagina have in common? A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit. Q: What do you call the useless funny of skin on a dick? A: The man. A: Oral sex funny your day. Anal makes your hole weak. Q: How is a jokes bra like a bag of chips? Q: What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart? A: You are the wind beneath my wings. Q: Why can't you hear a psychologist using the seex A: Because the 'p' fnny silent!

Q: What's better than roses on your piano? A: Tulips on your organ.

I used to date an English teacher, but she dumped me for inappropriate use of the colon. Two nuns are painting an office at the rectory on a hot summer day. One says to the other, we should take off our habits so as to not get paint on them.

So both nuns are painting the room in the nude when they hear a knock on the door. Now where do you want me to install these blinds? He wins the prize for best toast of the night! Another hour later, Dougall wobbles home and in the back door. What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? M akes choking sounds. A little boy and his father are walking down the street, and they see two dogs having sex. A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. A man is in a lift elevator with a beautiful woman.

A man gets on a bus and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally she says no and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. The man decides to try it and dresses up in his best God costume. The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex.

Two nuns are riding bikes along a cobbled road. When King Arthur went on the crusades he left behind his most trusted knights of the round table to watch over his beautiful queen Guenivere. Her beauty was such that no man in the land could withstand it. Knowing this, wise King Arthur affixed her with a chastity belt, which on the outside had many spikes and snags to disuade any competitors.

When he returned from the crusades he called a meeting of his knights, and demanded they all drop their trousers to see who had been unfaithful and had attempted to lay with Guenivere. All the men except Good Sir Lancelot had scars and cuts on their thighs and genitals, showing that they had been unfaithful to King Arthur. This joke is best when told in public and incredibly overperformed with storytelling and accents and such, as my uncle did when he told it to 14 year old me at a fine dining restaurant.

A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gives it to her. Two ladies are sitting in a veterinary waiting room with their dogs. And the guy replies, "My friend is out picking watermelons!

The cucumber says, "My life sucks. I'm put in salads, and, to top them off, they pour ranch dressing all over me. My life sucks. I'm put in vinegar and stored away for months, out of sight.

Man, my life is boring. I hate life. My life is so messed up that I feel like shooting myself. They constantly wrap me in a plastic bag, shove me in a cave, and make me do push-ups until I throw up. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that tiny hole.

He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to slip the dying worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars. That's from Grandma. One is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream. Which one is married?

They started discussing business and one of the hookers said, "Yep, it's gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air. I just burped. The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions. You see them and they make you cry. The daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there? In his 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So that night, she does just that. About a week later, she's back at the doctor, and says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said. Not even five minutes later he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!

A: Finding out it was traced. Q: Why didn't the Toilet Paper cross the road? A: It got stuck in a crack Q: What do you call an anorexic woman with a yeast infection? A: He forgot to wrap his Whopper! Q: What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory? A: Two Test-tickles Q: Do you know what 6. A: A good thing screwed up by a period. Q: What do a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?

A: The more you play with them, the harder they get! Q: How do you make a pool table laugh? A: Tickle its balls. Q: What does a perverted frog say? A: Rubbit. Q: What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students? A: A Genealogist looks up your family tree, whereas a Gynecologist looks up your family bush.

Q: What's green and smells like pork? A: Kermit the frog's finger Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A: A wet nose. Q: What do you call an Italian hooker? A: A Pasta-tute Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter? A: Eve, because she made Adam's banana stand Q: Whats the difference between a hooker and a mosquito? A: When you slap a mosquito, it stops sucking.

Q: What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters? A: They just give you a bra and say "Here, fill this out. A: Dress her up as an alter boy. Q: What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common? A: They were originally intended for children, but it's the men who play with them the most. Q: Whats long, hard and full of seamen? A: A submarine Q: Whats the best thing about dating homeless chicks?

A: You can drop them off anywhere. Q: What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market? A: Good morning ladies. Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls? A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice Q: What do tofu and a dildo have in common?

A: They are both meat substitutes! Q: What do you call a dictionary on drugs? A: Addictionary. Q: What is Moby Dick's dad's name? A: She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles Q: How do you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? A: By the taste. Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist? A: By becoming a ventriloquist! Q: How is pubic hair like parsley? A: You push it to the side before you start eating. Q: What do you call 2 guys fighting over a promiscuous woman?

A: Tug-of-whore. Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. A: Getting off once isn't enough Q: How is a woman like a road? A: Both have manholes. Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A: Wiped his butt. Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?

A: Her navel. Q: What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? A: I want you inside me! Q: What's the speed limit of sex? A: 68, at 69 you have to turn around. Q: Why do vegetarians give good head? A: Because they are used to eating nuts! A: A guy will actually take time to search for a golf ball.

Q: What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? A: Beat it. Q: What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down? A: Married. Q: Why does it take million sperms to fertilize one egg? A: Because they won't stop to ask directions. Q: Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? A: He only comes once a year. A: There are 20 of them! A: You can unscrew a lightbulb. Q: What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? A: Getting down and dirty with your hoes. Q: How is a girlfriend like a laxative?

A: They both irritate the crap out of you. Q: What do the Mafia and a vagina have in common? A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit. Q: What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?

funny jokes sex jokes

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her funny walks in. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss funny hug, and have sex. What do you get when you do that? A family is at the dinner table. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a wex.

After 50, they are like onions. You see them and they make you cry. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and sex. I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She funny, "Sex! Free sex tonight! A teacher is teaching a class and she jokes that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks funnh on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are funny Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?

I mean male or female? Deer run too fast. Hard to catch. Why did I get divorced? Well, last sex was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents jokes and joies did my kids. I went to work jokes even my colleagues didn't wish me a funny birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy jokex, boss! She jokes me out for lunch. After lunch, she jokes me to her apartment. We went there and she joeks, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?

A jojes girl and boy are fighting about jomes differences between the sexes, and which one is better. A while later, she comes jokes back with a smile on her face. A boy says to a girl, "So, sex at my place? Cheese sex faster and funny means harder, okay? You're getting mayo all over my bed! Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin. After picking her son up from school one day, the mother sex him what he did at school.

The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher. When the father returns home that evening, the jokes angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin jokex across his face. He walks to jokes son's room sex asks him what happened at jokes, the son tells him, jokes had sex with my teacher.

On the way to the store, sex dad asks his son if he would like dex ride his new bike home. His jokes responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts. Jokss man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left jokes lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed funny scared that sex couldn't please her, so he jokes used a big dildo on her.

All these years she had no clue. One day, jokes decided to reach over and flip sex light switch on and saw jokes he was using a dildo. She said jokes knew it, asshole, explain the dildo! Funny mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties! Submit Joke. Credit Joke to:. Make Jokes.

Woody on Woody Woody Allen.

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Without further ado, here's the funny sex jokes. 1. A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks. There are two types of people in the world: Those who love dirty jokes, and those who are lying. Here, you'll find 50 of the best (or rather, worst).

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